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I’m Not Scared Anymore


Last night I told Missy why I am so happy. I told her why everything is OK and why I am not scared of Alzheimer’s anymore.

One of my good friends died a few weeks ago, they wouldn’t let me go see her. The nursing home wouldn’t let anyone but family in because of the flu epidemic going around their, but I talked to her on the phone. She told me, “Barbie, I’m going home. I’m so so happy. I know in a few days I am dying. The doctors told my children and they are all here, my grandchildren are here…we have had a beautiful few days…but I told them I am so ready to go home.”

She told them to call me. She wanted to tell me that I would be OK. She told me how wonderful her heart felt, even though she was in pain and having trouble breathing now. They had taken off her oxygen so she could talk to me. She told me, “Barbie, its beautiful where we are going, so peaceful, and, oh I can’t wait to see my husband and my mommy and daddy…my sister Ruthie and brother Tommy….and hold my baby girl that died at birth.”

“Oh, Barbie,” she said, “I will be there when you come. I will have all our friends there to meet you, like my husband will have everyone there to meet me…oh, what a homecoming it will be. I just want you not to be scared. I’m not, and I don’t want you to think that with your Alzheimer’s that you wont be ready or know what to do…I promise you you will. I will make sure to help ease any worry you have, I promise.”

She told me she loved me. We have been friends since 1952. She was my first co-worker that I told I was pregnant with Missy….and she was the one that told me, “You will have this one. You won’t lose this one.” Everyday she patted my stomach and worked some of the harder jobs so I wouldn’t have to. She was one of my friends who belonged to our group that sat with the dying who had no one, our group of NO ONE SHOULD DIE ALONE. She was the one who, when I had my brain surgery, told Missy, “Don’t you give up on your mama,” when the doctors told her to turn off the machines. She said “Lets give her a week to see what happens, she is tough. She has so much to live for, she will make it Missy. She will do it.” And Missy listened to her. She is the one who, when my husband died, brought over a half pint of his favorite whiskey to put in his casket; he had asked her to because he knew I wouldn’t do it. Yes, she was my friend, and now I know that she wasn’t scared and that I won’t be either, cause she will be there to meet me when I go home. Yes, we all are going to die and none of us know when….but, Im not scared anymore of my Alzheimer’s and not finding my way home, cause I have so many friends that will be there to show me the way. I’m so happy now. Bless your heart Mary Jean, bless your heart. You were one of my bestest buddies…see you…

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