Be Careful What You Wish For
When I was pregnant I always prayed that my babies would be healthy, and have ten fingers and toes. I had so many miscarriages after my son was born that I never thought I would have another baby. When I was pregnant with Missy, I knew it would be OK. I prayed that she would just make it the nine months and be born. I didn’t care if she had 9 toes, 6 fingers… hell, I just wanted her to be born. I would deal with anything as long as she made it into the world. I only prayed once to GOD when I was pregnant with her, and that is what I said, “Just let her make it 9 months and be born and I will handle whatever you give me.”
Last year during the cruise contest I got some ugly, mean messages. People told me I caused Missy’s MS, and it was my fault she had it. I got to thinking…maybe in some way they were right. Maybe I should have prayed more when I was pregnant. Maybe I should have said, “GOD make her healthy.” Maybe my deal with GOD caused her MS. Maybe he was showing me that I got what I wanted. Maybe the old saying, “BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH OR PRAY FOR, BECAUSE IT MIGHT COME TRUE,” is right. Maybe I was selfish. I got what I wanted, but now she is dealing with all that pain and suffering because of my dreams.
I told Missy last night, that I was sorry if I caused her all this pain. I was sorry that besides dealing with her MS, she has the added stress of caring for me 24 hours a day. Yes, maybe I am the selfish one. Yes, I told her last night I was sorry for the pain I was causing her, and will cause her, because our journey has just started with my Alzheimer’s. It is getting worse, and our journey will get harder daily, and her MS is worse.
She looked at me last night and told me to remember when she was little and we would twirl around holding hands then fall into the grass; to remember when she would stand on her dad’s feet and they would dance and sing. She reminded me. “Remember when we would get in the car, just you and me, and drive somewhere on a Saturday, just drive till we decided to stop?” Once we ended up in St Louis, talking and laughing all the way. She told me to remember her growing up, all the time we have spent together. All the love that we have. Everything that we have shared. She told me that all the pain in the world, all the trouble in the future, everything is worth it, because she got to be with me. She got me as a mommy out of all the people in the world. GOD gave her to me, for some special reason. We were meant to be, just her and me. She said that if it was my fault for her pain then it was nothing compared to what she got out of the deal.
So I told her again, I’m sorry if I gave you MS, I’m sorry. She just held my hand and told me to think what we would have missed. To be born or to not have MS…she said she would take being born; that everything now is just a bonus.
And I told her she was my prize.