My mom sleeps…about 22 hours a day now…she is up for maybe 20 minutes at a time….I miss her and shes still here with me…..I miss her real loud laugh, her giggles, her smile…..I miss hearing her talk, her voice calling my name….her voice now is low….its not what I’m used to my mom sounding like….I miss our talks, her holding my hand, her just being in the next room…its not the same now…

She’s still here, but just holding on….I wonder what to….I tell her to let go, go be with daddy…dance, twirl….but she smiles and holds on…I tell her I will be OK, and that she can go….but she smiles and holds on…I think shes waiting for June…she always told me she wanted to die in June…that it was such a beautiful month…and some of her best memories are of June…..she asked me last week what month it was….I told her the last week of May….I think she is waiting for June…..but I don’t know if I can tell her that it is here…

Mom is getting weaker by the day, she is not eating now….she only is sipping a little liquid…she doesn’t open her eyes any longer and sleeps about 23 hours a day. She seems to be very comfortable and is holding tight to her whoopie [pillow]….I play her music for her all day, and have her TV on so she can hear her programs…I talk to her, and read her all the posts of her buddies on Facebook…people have been wonderful with their prayers…my hope is that your prayers are for her to have peace, and know its OK to go be with those she loves who have already gone….I hope you are praying that she knows I will be OK, and it is OK to go….. Read more…

When I was pregnant I always prayed that my babies would be healthy, and have ten fingers and toes. I had so many miscarriages after my son was born that I never thought I would have another baby. When I was pregnant with Missy, I knew it would be OK. I prayed that she would just make it the nine months and be born. I didn’t care if she had 9 toes, 6 fingers… hell, I just wanted her to be born. I would deal with anything as long as she made it into the world. I only prayed once to GOD when I was pregnant with her, and that is what I said, “Just let her make it 9 months and be born and I will handle whatever you give me.”

Last year during the cruise contest I got some ugly, mean messages. People told me I caused Missy’s MS, and it was my fault she had it. I got to thinking…maybe in some way they were right. Maybe I should have prayed more when I was pregnant. Maybe I should have said, “GOD make her healthy.”  Maybe my deal with GOD caused her MS. Maybe he was showing me that I got what I wanted.  Maybe the old saying, “BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH OR PRAY FOR, BECAUSE IT MIGHT COME TRUE,” is right. Maybe I was selfish. I got what I wanted, but now she is dealing with all that pain and suffering because of my dreams.

I told Missy last night, that I was sorry if I caused her all this pain. Read more…

Last night I told Missy why I am so happy. I told her why everything is OK and why I am not scared of Alzheimer’s anymore.

One of my good friends died a few weeks ago, they wouldn’t let me go see her. The nursing home wouldn’t let anyone but family in because of the flu epidemic going around their, but I talked to her on the phone. She told me, “Barbie, I’m going home. I’m so so happy. I know in a few days I am dying. The doctors told my children and they are all here, my grandchildren are here…we have had a beautiful few days…but I told them I am so ready to go home.”

She told them to call me. She wanted to tell me that I would be OK. She told me how wonderful her heart felt, even though she was in pain and having trouble breathing now. They had taken off her oxygen so she could talk to me. She told me, “Barbie, its beautiful where we are going, so peaceful, and, oh I can’t wait to see my husband and my mommy and daddy…my sister Ruthie and brother Tommy….and hold my baby girl that died at birth.”

“Oh, Barbie,” she said, “I will be there when you come. I will have all our friends there to meet you, like my husband will have everyone there to meet me…oh, what a homecoming it will be. I just want you not to be scared. I’m not, and I don’t want you to think that with your Alzheimer’s that you wont be ready or know what to do…I promise you you will. Read more…

Old age comes so quickly. One day you are working, having children, cleaning house and then you wake up one morning and poof – you are old, have Alzheimer’s and have to have someone do everything for you. I sometimes think, “Oh I wish I could go back to one of my worst days when I was younger.” Because now I know it wasn’t really a worst day…it was just life.

Yes, old age comes so quickly. I tell everyone: don’t put off anything, surprise your mate with something that they would never expect you to do, do something for a stranger, tell someone they look beautiful today, whistle a song, sing to someone, dance in the kitchen.

And the most important, look your children right in the eye—make them look at you—and tell them, “I love you, forever.” Make them say, “Oh Mom,” or laugh, or tell you “I love you back.” But, make sure that they look into your eyes when you tell them…because one day, they will have that moment, and yes, they will remember. Read more…

I found Mom’s Christmas list, she had the nurse write it out for her.

1. Try and make everyone happy
2. Give hugs
3. Tell those that I love how much I love them
4. Take a picture in my mind so I never forget

Then at the bottom the nurse wrote, “Oh how I love this woman.”

Doesn’t get any better than that does it…so that is my Christmas gift from my mother. When I get crazied over the next couple of weeks, all I have to do is read this little piece of paper. Read more…

Today I made my Christmas list out.  I don’t have a lot of money to spend, so I thought I would give away things of mine that mean something to me and have a little story behind them  for special friends and family.

I have a special box with little things in it…things like menus of restaurants that my friends and I went to, or matchbook covers from a bar that we had a good time in. I have books, and just a box full of trinkets that make me smile…a chipped tea cup from my grandmothers house, an old favorite earring of my mothers, silly things, but things that have a story. I told Missy that I wanted to box them up pretty and write down what their story was.

Missy frowned at me and said, “Oh mommy…those are your memories, your special things, they will never mean as much to someone else because they are your memories of your friends and your good times.” I thought about that and thought she was right…who would want my old matchbook covers or little handkerchiefs? It’s really not the item, it’s all the memories that go along with it.

That’s why I hate Alzheimer’s…its a disease that makes a person just a being…when you take away their stories, their memories…their joy of remembering….you just have the shell of that person.

I have kinda become like my little box of trinkets…when I forget those stories…they will be like me in the future…just some trinkets, like me a body with no stories, no memories, a stranger will meet me in the future and just see a person with Alzheimer’s.  Read more…

I can’t remember my Social Security number, my daughter’s birth date, how old my grandchildren are, what I had for supper last night, what I watched on TV this morning or what you call those round green things that are red inside and some have seeds and some don’t.  I love them cold but can’t think what they are called. I can’t remember what the grocery store closest by our home is called, what Mike’s oldest brother’s name is, what type of car Missy drives…

But I do remember, that I love cinnamon toast when Missy makes it for me at night when I have bad dreams.  I remember how Missy gives me a bath every morning and rubs on my favorite lotion. I remember that my great granddaughter is name Ava Barbara.  I remember that I love crazy socks. I remember that I love bacon lettuce tomato sandwiches, I love Coke more than Pepsi, that I can’t eat chocolate. I remember that I love to volunteer at the nursing home, I remember that I used to love to dance and sing, I remember that I have lots of friends who love me on Facebook. I remember I have Alzheimer’s and Missy has MS. I remember that Missy told me I don’t have to go to a nursing home, that I get to stay here with her and Mike. So I think what I am remembering today are the important things, that I am loved and safe. It’s OK to forget some of the other stuff. Read more…

I hate Alzheimer’s, some days are good days, some are not. I am getting worse, I know it.

Nights seem to be worse. Last night I laid in bed, I thought I was in a strange bed, I was scared. I was afraid that no one would ever come back to get me, that I had been left alone. I laid there for awhile and then I cried a little bit. Missy heard me and came into the room and turned on the light. Oh boy, oh boy was I thrilled to see her. She asked me what was wrong. I told her I was in a strange place and I was so glad she came to take me home. She said, “Mommy we are home. Look you are in your comfy bed. Look around, see it is your pretty room.”

I was so happy. I asked her, “Why am I so scared? Why am I doing this?” Missy told me it was the disease. She told me not to be scared, that she would not leave me alone. But, I worry I will not remember that, and wake up scared again. Missy took me to the restroom, we talked for awhile then I was happy to go back to bed.

She got in bed with me, she told me she would not leave me alone. But, I told her, I remember when I was in the nursing home rehab, and I would wake up there and be scared and I would cry for her and yell out her name and she would not come. Read more…

I came home from work one day and mom said, “We are going on a cruise. I entered us in a contest to go on a caregiver cruise.” I laughed, and said, “Great,” and went into the other room. Later she told me that I needed to go online and vote…that is when I realized what had happened. She was so excited, she said, “If I win this contest, I can do something for you.” I said, “Mommy, the chances of you winning are almost impossible.”

She looked at me so straight and said, “Nothing is impossible. I have Alzheimer’s. The doctors told us a year or so ago that by now I wouldn’t know anyone, and I am not perfect, but I am not gone yet. My mind still works on some days. And you have MS, your doctors told you if you continued to care for me at home that you would not be walking now, and you are. Nothing is impossible…sometimes, when you want, and hope, and dream and pray, and get your family and friends involved in your goal it works…nothing is impossible and you and me are proof”

So, I voted for my first time for the cruise. That was a couple of weeks ago. Since signing up for this contest mom has only had a couple of Alzheimer’s days. Her days are full of planning for a cruise, seeing the ocean for the first time…putting her toes in the sand. She tells me that she thinks the contest is good for her Alzheimer’s. Read more…

This morning when I got mom up from bed she looked at me and said, “Oh, Sunshine, I sure have missed you. I am so happy to see you.” She giggled and while I was dressing her she said, “Yesterday the girl that was here taking care of me was wearing your cologne. She smelled like you, but I knew it wasn’t you because she was so so sick. I felt sorry for her. She had to take a nap and rest. I don’t want to get her in trouble, but I am so happy that you are back today. I missed you so much.” She hugged me and said, let’s never quit hugging, and she just giggled.

After lunch she said, I think when you are so sick that I don’t want to think about it so in my mind I make you someone else, that way I don’t have to think about you in pain. I’m sorry if I leave you some days. Don’t leave me, OK?

I told her, “No way…no way Mom. No way.” Read more…