An Overview
I think there is some kind of pattern to when I feel like I have the capacity to write something. It has to do somewhat with where I am in my chemotherapy cycle, right now I’m in an off week…coming to the end of an […]
Back in the Hospital Again
Apparently, I have a nasty bacteria (Gram Negative-bacteria) that will kill me if we don’t kill it first. I feel fine, so I think we’re on top of it. It makes me feel great that Sharon, the nurse who spotted my erratic fever on Friday […]
Something’s Happening That Doesn’t Suck
This is the Angel Card I drew while I was visiting my sister. These angel cards are eerily meaningful. Whether or not they are predictors, or if they just happen to give you the nudge you need when you need it—well, I guess it doesn’t […]
Boredom
Here’s where I am now: I’m tired of waiting to feel better, so I’m doing things anyway. I’m exercising anyway. I’m eating anyway. I’m washing the dishes anyway. Dr. Asch seems to imply that I will and should be feeling better soon, that there is […]
Masked Identity
Today at the local Whole Foods, while shopping for quick sushi (cooked varieties only! don’t worry Dr. Asch!), I startled a little boy. Startled, intrigued, fascinated, I don’t know. Actually it wasn’t me it was my mask. He stared, and then he got his brother […]
Strength
You might be wondering, well, what’s going on with Brandi? Why isn’t she writing and video making and all that stuff anymore? The truth is I never knew I could be so tired, or weak, or overwhelmed, or scared. Yes, its true, I’ve been having […]
Expression is Healing
—KSL News Video A temporary construction wall inside LDS Hospital has become a place for oncology patients to vent with colorful words and drawings, providing an open forum for the emotions often hidden from those who’ve never heard the words, “You have cancer.” — A […]
The Strangest Thing
Today a total stranger said I was beautiful. This hasn’t happened to me in years. This may never have happened to me. She said, “You probably hear this all the time, but you are so beautiful.” Wow. What a thing to hear. Sure, my family […]
Patient
Being a patient patient: cultivating fortitude and calm.
pa-tient
n. a person who is under medical care or treatment.
adj. bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.
Okay. After this week I am officially over it. I am tired of taking pills x number of times a day and at certain hours; going to doctor’s appointments and waiting; my body changing and worrying about every little change and what it might mean and if it is permanent; chemo therapy; the threat of hospital stays, and therefore hospital food; looking into the future and seeing more doctor’s appointments, more chemo, more prescriptions. Bah. I want this to be over. I am not patient, so I don’t want to be a patient.