I Hate Alzheimer’s

Photo Credit: Mattox

I hate Alzheimer’s, some days are good days, some are not. I am getting worse, I know it.

Nights seem to be worse. Last night I laid in bed, I thought I was in a strange bed, I was scared. I was afraid that no one would ever come back to get me, that I had been left alone. I laid there for awhile and then I cried a little bit. Missy heard me and came into the room and turned on the light. Oh boy, oh boy was I thrilled to see her. She asked me what was wrong. I told her I was in a strange place and I was so glad she came to take me home. She said, “Mommy we are home. Look you are in your comfy bed. Look around, see it is your pretty room.”

I was so happy. I asked her, “Why am I so scared? Why am I doing this?” Missy told me it was the disease. She told me not to be scared, that she would not leave me alone. But, I worry I will not remember that, and wake up scared again. Missy took me to the restroom, we talked for awhile then I was happy to go back to bed.

She got in bed with me, she told me she would not leave me alone. But, I told her, I remember when I was in the nursing home rehab, and I would wake up there and be scared and I would cry for her and yell out her name and she would not come. I remember the nurses told her then how I cried her name at night and from then on until I came home she stayed with me at the nursing home at night. She slept in a chair, and at night when I would cry she was right there to tell me it was OK. Plus she made me little whoobies to hold when I got scared.

Last night when I reminded her of that, she said she was sorry, that she would try never to leave me alone again, but I know…she can not promise that, things happen…so I am scared. I hate Alzheimer’s, I hate the loneliness it makes me feel, the sadness. I understand about the memory loss, but why why the loneliness and fear?

Today has been a good day, Missy has hugged me more than she usually does, though I have caught her looking at me with sadness. I am so sorry for all the family members that have to deal with this disease, Alzheimer’s not only changes the patient, it breaks the heart for their caregivers. I am lucky, I just hope I can remember that.

• Bobbi McCarthy

  Dearest barbara. Your candidness is so appreciated as I know there are other families going through this as well and I pray that you and your daughter’s story reaches them…I dont know if your a Christian or not but God tells us, “to fear not, I am with thee” …not that this means you should never be fearful but it is a promise to know that whatever you are going through God is with you…you are not alone. You and your precious daughter are in my prayers.