Barbara's husband and daughter Missy at the Illinois State Fair

Oh what a day, a day to just relax…very rainy and dark here in Newburgh Indiana.

Last night I had a bad Alzheimer’s night. I was very tired this morning, so I knew it had been a long night. Missy told me I was upset over not being able to see my husband. I have been thinking a lot about him lately. Missy said I was crying saying, “I know you are not telling me that he is gone.”

Missy does not smoke, no one does in our house, but a friend told her that sometimes smells help Alzheimer’s patients. My husband smoked, a lot, so Missy told me that last night she lit a cigarette and smoked a little of it to get the smell in my room. She then told me that my husband was in the bathroom shaving, he always smoked while he shaved…she said she told me, “Don’t you smell his cigarette smoke?” That calmed me and I went to sleep.

She showed me the video today. So sad. I am just a another person in my body…the same in looks, but my mind is not my own. I wish I could explain how scary this is. I never was a drinker, but it must be kind of like a drinker’s blackout…with little memory the next day. I told Missy that I do not want to see any more video, that she can continue to video, that maybe in the future it will help someone else, but I do not want to see anymore.

I am glad to be back to myself today, happy, listening to music, and thankful.

Missy looks tired today, but she hugged me extra long this morning when I got up, and kissed my forehead twice, and told me loved me more than usual today. If you knew how she hates to smell cigarette smoke, and how she doesn’t let anyone smoke in our house…makes me love her more and more and more.

For me, she will do anything…I knew that.